From anonymous–

A hand written letter sits in my locker

In an envelope

With hearts drawn on it in red ink

And the words from anonymous in the bottom right corner

They jump out at me

There are over a thousand people here

But this person chose me

I went my whole life feeling unnoticed

Unwanted, unloved, ignored

Although in that moment

I put a tight lid on my past

And shoved everyone who ever shunned me into a container

In that moment I realized

That I am loved, that I am wanted, that I am special

Unique, different, nontraditional

Unconventional, in the best way possible

Weird, but I don’t mind being weird

Perhaps that is what anonymous admires about me

My willingness to be bold, be daring, be me

Among the thousand people here, they chose me

I don’t know why or how for that matter

But I no longer choose to search for answers

Perhaps the moment is the answer

Sincerely,

a confused, yet thankful receiver

 

 

(P.S. this never actually happened, but for the first time in a long time I feel inspired to write so here’s a rather short piece about an experience I’ve yet to have hahaha)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Motivational prose

You’re having a bad day.

The bad day turns into a bad week.

The bad week turns into an awful month.

Every emotion you’ve been feeling has intensified.

Every thought you’ve had has stayed with you.

Cluttering your mind, one thought at a time, for days on end.

Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, strangers, etc. seem to pity as you wallow in your own self-pity.

Are you finally nodding your ahead because you’ve been there?

You try to think “happy” thoughts. Unicorns. Rainbows. Gold in a treasure chest. Pretty islands. Cruise ships floating atop the ocean. Paradise.

Relax and close your eyes.

Focus more on that fantasy you’ve conjured up inside your head.

Progress. You’re able to force a half smile. It spreads across your face almost like the sun spreads its colors across the horizons creating an awe-inducing work of art.

Let that be your inspiration. That canvas that has now been altered.

Passions. Dreams. Goals. Aspirations.

I want to be a creator, but I don’t think I’m good enough. And I’ve been feeling so demotivated lately I don’t know what to do.

There is no recipe or remedy or cure for self-doubt.

You must learn to make friends with your ideas.

That is all.

But that’s easy for you to say. You don’t understand my struggle. 

Here’s what I have to say to that:

Once you choose to take that leap of faith and dive off the deep end, the unpredictable will be waiting for you at the bottom.

Let it fuel you. Let it push you even further into the vortex of possibilities.

After all, it is always there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meshing realities

Have you ever felt like you were on top of everything? The words “I got this” resonated with you.  You didn’t have to have a little faith, you just did. You were able to hold your head up high. Look straight ahead, without looking back at the “what if’s” and overanalyzing your past.  Nothing stood in your way besides the occasional self doubt. But don’t we all feel doubtful from time to time?

There was no anxiety eating away at you, tugging at your nerves and playing around with your emotions.  All you had to do was take a nice prolonged deep breath of fresh air. Alas, sanity is within reach.

Now, there you are, perfectly mindful, ready to conquer the world. Your shit, it is oh so perfectly together. After all, why shouldn’t it be? The weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, perhaps it was a miracle.

There is the ugly side of things too. The side that no matter how hard you try to suppress, returns with a dose of reality.

It’s easy to fight with it, to try to shove it away, wherever, except that doesn’t mean it will miraculously go away.

 

In a perfect world, in a utopian society, there is such a thing as together. In reality, there is good and there is ugly, with different shades of each. You can’t have one without eventually coming face to face with the other.

Beauty is pain. A smile conceals sadness. Numbness follows anger.

The truth, it hurts, but it’s what we want to hear. Isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a ‘them issue’

 

blog post
Courtesy of pinterest.com

 

So maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, BUT I’ve recently come to the realization that I just can’t be what society wants me to be.  How I go about my daily life and what I choose to do with my time may not appeal to a lot of people. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you just can’t please everyone. And once you start trying to appeal to the interests and desires of others, it becomes too easy to get wrapped up in what you think they want.

Being a 16 year old going into her junior year of high school, I can honestly say I’ve dressed or acted a certain way (the list only goes on) around certain people because that’s what I thought they wanted, but never to any avail.

Before I go on, I’ve compiled some of my ‘likes and dislikes’ that encompass who I am in a nutshell. I adore art. I love sitting behind a computer screen and typing for hours, without any distractions i.e. social media notifications. I am not one who is that fond of going out all the time. I like to think I’m daring, but I’m really not.  I have never been the popular or the trendy one.  Hearing the word “goals” when it’s directed at a person makes me cringe and so on.  Somedays I’m crazy and others I keep to myself. I might as well be labeled as boring or weird. The ‘so-called’ norm will never be my thing. To that end: it isn’t my job or your job to be exciting or ‘a good time’.

I like to believe that I don’t care about what others think of me. Except that’s somewhat false so I live my life over-apologizing for my differences; then I become frustrated with myself for putting the opinions of others on an incredibly high pedestal while suppressing the urge to scream: I am better than this. I don’t have to put up with their shit. I don’t have to let them consume me. 

Everyone is always going to have their own  opinion of you. While it’s tempting to want to know exactly what so and so are thinking, it’s nearly impossible to get in their heads and find the answers you’re looking for. Instead of spending valuable time pining after approval and putting on a facade; make what is actually important a priority (what actually means something to you as a person, not an object of interest on display for others to comment on).

Would you rather be your own individual or conform to the general ideals that anyway vary from person to person?

There’s this one quote: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody”. Sometimes it seems almost impossible to not crave validation, especially when you put yourself out there. But you’ve gotta trust in yourself that what you’re doing is what’s in your best interest even in the face of rejection. If you’re too much or not enough according to whoever, then that’s simply a ‘them issue’ they can take up with themselves. It only becomes a ‘you issue’ once you let them get in your head. So really what’s the point?

 

Before you reach

for blog

There’s this one song lyric that I just remembered:”I’m searching for something that I can’t reach”. I’m so overwhelmed by my long term future aspirations and preoccupied with what could be that I keep trying to jump the gun instead of focusing on the baby steps I need to take to get there. I still stand by the belief that before I can reach for anything I need to get my act together, both mentally speaking and physically. And beating myself up repeatedly for not accomplishing huge things has definitely not helped me move along in the right direction. I have this running tab in my head of the things I need to get done and the things I want to get done. I’m the type of person who makes lists, but then I look back at the last list only to make a new list. It’s this vicious cycle and I’m really not getting anything done. The question that remains prevalent in my mind is “why”? Why am I not getting shit done? Is is that I’m wanting the wrong things? Then I realize that those makeup and skincare products will have to wait because I have more important matters to attend to that pertain to the grand scheme of my life…my future. Like prepping for the dreaded and anxiety inducing Sat I’ll be taking in my junior year of high school. Or the fact that I’m going off to college in a little over a year. Truthfully I’m kind of a mess. And with that being said I’m done lying to myself about what’s really going on. Once again, I’m not working out or hitting up the skincare aisle or changing my diet because ‘other stuff’ matters more… It’s all just a blob of ‘wants’ in my head and I don’t really know what to do with it anymore. I know I’m not incapable of accomplishing the ‘smaller things’.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably never gonna achieve ‘self actualization’ if I’m not even properly addressing my more basic needs, so I can feel good on the inside…and hopefully somewhere along the way I’ll emulate that feeling on the outside  And then there is the whole feeling loved and self esteem aspect of the pyramid. The truth of the matter: when one thing suffers, the rest goes down with it.  More than anything your well being matters and contrary to what society tells us, if you need to take some time to figure out what you need to do for yourself and actually do it, so you can move on to the bigger and the better then you’re entitled to that.

 

Outside in

via Daily Prompt: Surface

I am more than just my surface

I may try to put up a guarded fence

I may push people away

Even the ones that love me unconditionally

But I am still sensitive

I have a heart of gold

That gives and gives and gives

I am more than my inner rage

Or my defense mechanisms

Inside me passion bubbles like the contents of a volcano

Ideas and thoughts flow through my veins

I can’t always articulate what I’m feeling

But there are moments where I take my mask off

Where I don’t care about how I seem to the world

And in those moments, I am free

An artist’s struggle

Doubt is the killer of the creative and imaginative mind, and it’s what stopped me from digging deeper and ‘going there’.

I know who I am. And I know that I am capable of way more than I realize. But I’ve learned that knowing never will be enough if I’m not willing to ‘epically fail’.

Except I am an artist and I’ve learned that I must fall flat on my face in order to truly grow. That is the only way ‘good’ art comes about. Something real and beneath the surface. Something genuine and beautiful.  I am forever grateful to have had people that pushed me to my very limits in my work. People who saw me beneath just the surface and acknowledged my inner life for what it is.

It was heart-wrenching and difficult at times. Knowing that I didn’t produce my best work. Sitting through a half hour of feedback. Sometimes it felt like I was being told the same thing over and over again. That I have to be willing to go there and be fearless.

Let your fears and insecurities be valuable assets in your work. Finding the strength to keep going can be a treacherous task along the way. But never end the journey, let it live on. You have it in you to turn the timid into the fearless. No matter how hard it is. If it means finding yourself, both the light and darkness within you, let it be whatever it is.